Kimblee's Twisted Transistor
by UltimatePalmTree
Summary: [CRACKFIC SONGFIC AUNESS] One of Greed's famous parties gets a little wild when a certain alchemist decides to do something that shouldn't be done in public...


**Kimblee's Twisted Transistor**

_By UltimatePalmTree_

_Something I wrote when I was bored. I cannot be held responsible for the side effects of what may happen by reading this. Don't own FMA or Twisted Transistor by Korn or any other song referenced here... All belong to their respective owners. On with the show!_

"Another great party, as always," a brunette woman said, leaning a little closer to the Ultimate Shield. He could smell the alcohol on her breath, and didn't mind this one bit. He had four other women on the couch with him: a redhead resting her head in his lap, another brunette in back of him massaging his hair for him, a blonde was fawning at his feet, and a black-haired one was massaging his shoulders. Yes, it _was_ good being greedy sometimes.

The once clean mansion of Dante's had been totally trashed in one hour, tops. No corner was unscathed and the polished floor was ruined. _So what?_ Greed thought, _Let the hag clean it all up. After all, she can do that alchemy trick, so…_ He shrugged and sipped at his tequila.

It was in full swing now, with no signs of stopping whatsoever. Roa had gone to bed a few hours ago and (miraculously) hadn't come down to complain about the noise. Dorchette and Martel were on the dance floor, the dog chimera attempting to dance without tripping over his own feet from being drunk. Let's just say, it wasn't working to well. Music of all types blared from an alchemically enhanced sound system at the other end of the room, towards the massive windows. Greed was surprised they hadn't shattered from the volume of the music, which seemed to be increasing with each song.

Various other people were located all around the room as well. Wrath, Envy, Lust and Pride had managed to crash the party. A blonde haired girl was swinging from the chandelier, yelling at her 'Wolfy' to watch her as she did. A certain short alchemist was discussing something with a certain black-haired fire alchemist. Not to mention half of the military. What Greed had intended to be a quiet little get-together of about fifty people had exploded practically overnight. Oh well. The more, the better the party is!

Suddenly, the song abruptly stopped. Greed was interrupted in his thoughts as he pushed himself off the back of the sofa to stare enraged at Alphonse Elric, who held up his hands in a 'don't look at me' sort of way. Greed shot him a glare that clearly said, 'Who?' Alphonse gestured to someone moving through the crowd.

That someone became very apparent when all the glasses left on the surface of the coffee table shattered abruptly, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. Greed was really pissed right now; sure, he was a good friend and all, but why _now_?

The Crimson Alchemist, Zolf J. Kimblee himself, leapt onto the table and made some sort of gesture to Al. Greed turned his attention to Alphonse, who put on some sort of record and waited for it to start. A repetitive guitar riff started playing; Greed actually recognized the song. _Twisted Transistor_. Not here… Not now…

Kimblee started dancing, long thin ponytail switching back and forth with his movements. Greed shook his head, massaging his temples. Every eye in the room was on Kimblee, and for once the place was silent except for the music blaring from the sound system. Finally, the band on the record actually began to sing, Kimblee singing along with them. A massive grin was on his face, bearing his teeth as he did.

"Hey you, hey you, Devil's little sister!" he sang, attempting to match the singer's voice and failing quite miserably. He somehow managed to get all the attention in the room either way. One person whooped, another howled at Kimblee's escapades, but nothing much out of the ordinary. _I am going to kill him, I _swear_ I am going to kill him…_ Greed thought. He was one of those people who were… _ahem_… unfortunate enough to know what Kimblee was going to do next.

"Listening to your twisted transistor! Hold it between your legs, turn it up, turn it up!" he yelled. At this point, Kimblee shed the blood red coat he often wore effortlessly, revealing his black shirt underneath. _I swear, he's as good as dead. I don't care how many times he blows my head off; he is dead._ Greed was about to have his reputation ruined in front of several _hundred_ people.

"The wind is coming through, can't get enough!" he continued, unheeding of Greed's silent prays for him to fall off the table and break something (preferably his neck, but anything would do right now). The five women who had been adoringly caressing his muscles and massaging his shoulders and running their lithe fingers through his hair were gone as much as Greed hated to admit it.

"A lonely life, where no one understands you! But don't give up, because the music do!" He continued singing and dancing, fueled by the whoops and cheers coming from the crowd. He only paused in his singing until the chorus started up again. "Because the music do, and it is reaching inside you, forever preaching!" Kimblee was now focused on getting his t-shirt off as he sang the rest. "F— you, too! Your scream's a whisper, hang on you… Twisted Transistor!" At this, he threw his shirt into the crowd, where a surprising amount of people reached out to catch it. _This is freaking stupid…_ He was tempted to jump up and stop Kimblee from doing further damage, but he figured his dignity was destroyed enough for one day.

"Hey you, hey you, finally you get it. The world ain't fair; eat you if you let it," He continued, now dancing half-naked on the table top. His tame dance moves became more and more risqué as the song progressed. Greed raised an eyebrow and thought to himself, _Wow, I didn't know the human body could bend that way…_

"And as your tears fall on… Your breast, your dress. Vibrations comin' through. You're in a mess," Kimblee started undoing his belt buckle with a practiced quickness, allowing it to remain on his hips for a minute before ripping it off his waist and using it as a makeshift whip. The gold buckle whizzed through the air in an ellipse before Kimblee threw it over the crowd. A very startled yelp told Greed it had managed to smack Dorchette on the back of the head. _He's gonna be_ real_ pissed…_ Greed silently laughed.

"A lonely life, where no one understands you! But don't give up, because the music do!" He repeated the lines before the chorus, where something even worse would happen. The Crimson Alchemist was already undoing his zipper and sliding it down his hips slightly. 'Easier access' he called it.

"Because the music do, and it is reaching inside you, forever preaching. F— you, too! Your scream's a whisper, hang on you… Twisted Transistor!" At the last two words, Kimblee managed to effortlessly shed his pants. He was now _dancing_ on the table in nothing but his boxer shorts (which Greed prayed to any god that might be listening to him that he wouldn't take off) and his boots. This last antic sent the crowd into mad yells of "Take 'em off!" and various other slogans that Greed, on any other occasion, would have approved of.

The last two verses, Kimblee danced in a way that Greed thought you could only do at a night club with a stripper in your lap with a pole at your side. Somehow, the insane alchemist managed to do without, probably scarring many people for life. At the final "Twisted Transistor", Kimblee placed his hands on the elastic waistband of his boxers. _Oh, no you don't! _Greed thought. _I'm not gonna have you scar innocent people more than what you've already done!_ He didn't care about his dignity anymore; he stood up and tackled Kimblee around the knees. The Crimson Alchemist fell chest-first, plowing into the first row of people with Greed on top of him. The Ultimate Shield crawled up Kimblee until he was straddling him around the waist, and holding the alchemist's hands behind his back.

"Alright, that's it! Party's over!" Martel yelled, sensing her boss's annoyance with Kimblee. "Everyone out the front door, and _no stealing the valuables_!" The snake chimera began herding everyone out of the now open double doors (thanks to Martel's ability to stretch her limbs) and paused only for a second to say, "You need help, Mister Greed?"

"Nah," Greed grunted, "I've got it from here,"

Martel nodded, and continued to shepherd them out until nothing was left but a wriggling Kimblee, a pissed-off Greed, a satisfied Martel, a very drunk Dorchette in the center of the dance floor (with the belt off to the side)… and one _very_ disgruntled bull chimera standing in the threshold. "What the hell was all this?" he asked, trying hard not to convey the anger built up inside him.

"Kimblee had one too many drinks and decided to do a strip tease," Martel explained.

At this, Roa snorted in disbelief when he finally saw said alchemist. Greed was tempted to ask, "What the heck are you staring at?" when he realized what an awkward position he was in. Literally. Still gripping Kimblee's wrists together, he got up off of him and said, "That wasn't what you think it was,"

Roa blinked a few times before muttering, "I need to lay off of the drinks before bed…" and walked out of the room, ostensibly to go back to bed.

"Alright. I'm going to let you go and gather your clothes," Greed said to Kimblee. "Think you can manage?"

Kimblee nodded. Greed (reluctantly) let go of his friend's wrists and stepped away. Kimblee pushed himself up to his feet and started towards his clothes. Just as he reached the first discarded item (the shirt someone had dropped in Martel's rush to get everyone out of the room), he turned around to face Greed and yelled, "GO BOOM!" at the top of his lungs.

_BOOM!_

_Splat!_

_Krunch!_

Silence.

"_Mister Greed_!"

* * *

I'm sorry, but the image of Kimblee stripping while totally drunk to Korn's song _Twisted Transistor_ was an image I just _had_ to share with the whole of the internet. Yes, I am sick and twisted (probably the reason I love that song!). Yes, I _do_ know the whole lyrics from heart, and can probably recite them off the top of my head. Along with Disturbed's _Avarice, Down with the Sickness, Stupify, _and _Shout 2000_ and Alice in Chain's _Man in the Box_. Yeah, I'm good at lyrics. Plus, I have too much time on my hands (another reason this even came up).

I know exactly _how_ I came up with this. Ever since I heard this song for the first time on the radio, I've always had the clearest picture of three of the Devil's Nest members dancing to it: Greed in the front, and Dorchette and Kimblee a ways back and flanking him on either side. They're dancing in a warehouse-type place, and always on top of a few massive crates. Don't ask why I see this; it's just something I can picture them doing.

Anyway, if it's a bit OOC, I tried to keep it in character, but… Ya know… Sometimes things happen… and… Yeah…

I own nothing except for the original concept of this story and Kimblee's belt… Well, I'm not sure about the last one, but I think I do… Hm. Lemme get back to you on that one.

And yes, I _know_ I'm screwed up. Review, peeps, a'ight? See you later, guys!


End file.
